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Comedy Central
Nov 12, 2013 11:00pm PST
. for more on this we go to samantha bee. sam, thank you for joining us. sam, how is the obama administration taking this diplomatic setback? >> oh, they really needed this one, jon. obama just really needed a win. >> jon: it's been a rough couple months with the president. >> the whole mess with the nsa, congress holding up his appointments ant healthcar.gov roll out was pathetic. >> jon: nightmare. >> a disaster stuffed in a traf industry wrapped in inexmp tense. they call the a cluster (bleep) now this softwear glitch. >> jon: what is that? >> when you try to sign up for obamacare your computer punches you in the dick. [laughter] >> jon: what if you don't have -- >> in your dick. [ laughter ] i mean -- how do you not think about that when you design a web site? obama just wants something to go right for a change. he is so desperate for a win he is playing call of duty on easy to rack up achievements it's a punk move. >> jon: it is a punk move. it's (bleep). i would never do thank i know. his staff is trying trying to cm up. they have him on the white house basketball court r
Comedy Central
Oct 31, 2013 11:00pm PDT
really going to use the wizard to defend your program to say how great it is? did you watch the movie? the wizard is a car la tan. he is a two bit huckster who never gave people anything they didn't already have .. so for the most part the hearing was substantive with a smattering of silly, that doesn't mean there was nobody there just to fill the next campaign ad like cory gardner who spent the first two hours of the hearing drinking red bull and snorting coffee grounds to wait his turn. >> why won't you go into the exchange, you are part of this law and in charge of this law should you be any different than the other americans out there who are losing their health insurance? >> i am part of the 95 percent with affordable, available healthcare if i have affordable work coverage in my workplace i am not eligible to go into the workplace. >> i would encourage you to be just like the american people and enter the exchange and agree to find a way to do that. i don't care. >> it is illegal. >> stewart: did you hear her? it is illegal. doesn't stop him. well, breaking the law! i enco
Comedy Central
Nov 4, 2013 9:00am PST
. the only thing left for to us do is pretend we had no idea it was happening. >> the senate intelligence committee senator diane feinstein a loyal defend are of the nsa broke ranks and said they have been kept in the dark of just what the nsa was up to demanding a total sur ray lance review. >> if only we had some way of secretly finding out what the spy organization was up-- oh, you know who could help us, the ns-- oh [bleep] it's time for a good old us of a plausible deny ability scramble. brought to you by, i don't recall if i had been specifically briefed on whether or not this is butter. (laughter) and arbies. arbies, why not challenge your stomach to a fight. so post nsa revelation, the house intelligence committee hauled in our nation's spy chiefs yesterday. who came before the congressional committee hat in hand. >> this is a tough time for nsa where everybody says what are you doing or why are you doing. it is much more important for this country that we defend this nation and take the beating than it is to give up a program that would result in this nation being at
Comedy Central
Nov 14, 2013 11:00pm PST
console wars will be decided. our new leader has joined us to make sure the system is the ps4. all hail the princess >> the princess. from comedy central in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the show, my name is jon stewart. we have a nice one for you tonight. the great geoffrey rush will be joining us. let's begin tonight with healthcare.gov, rhymes with love. last we checked in the embattled obama administration was making a simple promise to the american people. >> by the end of this month we anticipate that it is going to be working the way that it will suppose to. >> it will take to the end of november for an optimally functioning web site. >> we will have it fully functioning by the end of november. >> jon: fully functioning by november? but as of now for some reason the site continues to give people hepatitis. we don't know. (laughter) well, today the president called a press conference to make a slight adjustment to the promise of a fully functional web site by photograph 30th. >
Comedy Central
Nov 26, 2013 1:00am PST
nice one for you tonight. the great geoffrey rush will be joining us. let's begin tonight with healthcare.gov, rhymes with love. last we checked in the embattled obama administration was making a simple promise to the american people. >> by the end of this month we anticipate that it is going to be working the way that it will suppose to. >> it will take to the end of november for an optimally functioning web site. >> we will have it fully functioning by the end of november. >> jon: fully functioning by november? but as of now for some reason the site continues to give people hepatitis. we don't know. (laughter) well, today the president called a press conference to make a slight adjustment to the promise of a fully functional web site by photograph 30th. >> the web site will work much better on november 30th, december 1st than it worked certainly on october 1st. that's a pretty low barment by the time we look back on this next year the people are going to a this is working well. >> jon: let, let me be clear. when i said end of november, i did not say which november. (laughter)
Comedy Central
Nov 14, 2013 1:00am PST
. >> when we started this fight it was because we were tired of xbox people telling us playstation sucked. now we're an army of our own. >> i can't guarantee you will live, but i can guarantee before this is is over the winner of the console wars will be decided. our new leader has joined us to make sure the system is the ps4. all hail the princess >> the princess. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. thank you for joining us. our guests tonight shall we're excited about this from the hill aruous television program key and peele, we have keele and pee on the show tonight. chors plaus. >> jon: lucky was farsd, man, those dudes are funny. if you are anything like me, you can't digest milkment but also-- (laughter) you watch a lot of television news. and if you do you might have noticed the question that is increasingly on the med why's mind. >> was this racist? an alabama sorority accused of rejecting
Comedy Central
Nov 26, 2013 7:30pm PST
call all of us together to lower our expectations for the web site. >> there are going to be ups and downs during the course of my presidency. i think i said early on when i was running i am not a per income man and i will not be a perfect president. but i will wake up every single day working as hard as i can. (laughter) >> jon: that wasn't the slogan you campaigned on. i think when you campaigned you were a "yes, we can" i don't remember the other slogan. (laughter) but i'm sorry, you were saying something? >> we fumbled the rollout on this health care law. that's on us, not on them. it's not on them, it's on us. that's on me. and again, that's on us. which is why-- s that's on me. >> it's me, i did it, i [bleep] upped. do me a favor, just kick my ass, okay. kick this ass, that's all. i'm not asking, i'm telling with this. kick my ass. >> jon: i can't believe this. the web site, the web site fiasco has basically turned our president into artie. but of course for every cloud there is a silver lining. certainly the rollout for the president's signature legislative accomplishment
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2013 11:00pm PST
] news joins me, best news team for more on last night's election. with us tonight we have got sir aasif mandvi, jason jones esquire and dr. al madrigal. once again the media spends months and months speculating on what is going to happen in this election, what might happen in this election. then on the eve of the election they spend 10 minutes reporting on what actually happened and jump right back into what it means for the next election. >> it's pathetic. >> embarrassing. >> yeah, so [bleep] those guys. >> they were way off. >> way off, they were-- . >> jon: wait, they were way off? >> yes, the message of this election is clear, terri mcauliffe's win proves in 2016 democrats will nominate terri mcauliffe. >> jon: wait, terri mcauliffe t that is idiotic. >> he won. >> jon: he won one election, that's -- >> how do you not get that? >> it's math, jon. >> jon: this election proves then for the republicans that chris chrisiest will be the nominee in 2016, is that right. >> jon-- (laughter) >> sweet, sweet brain damaged jon. (laughter) let me mash up this news and spoon-feed it to you. base
Comedy Central
Nov 22, 2013 9:00am PST
the lovely, the talented jennifer lawrence will be joining us. we're very excited about that. [cheers and applause] but real quick off the top i don't know if you happened to be near a television set today -- [laughter] -- although clearly you are at one right now. that was a stupid opening, wasn't it? [laughter] but you might have heard the big news out of the senate. >> harry reid is poised to the launch the nuclear option. >> jon: noooo! no, harry don't -- there's still good in this world. [ laughter ] don't kill us all. [ laughter ] what is the nuclear option, by the way? >> the nuclear option means that it would only take 51 votes, a simple majority to get -- overcome this filibuster threat. [laughter] >> jon: oooooooh. [ laughter ] so deciding to allow majority rules to ings. ally -- incrementally increase government efishcy is so extreme it's the nuclear option. it's just like hero -- hiroshima of voting. how will mitch mcconnell counter? >> mr. president, i move to adurn the senate until 5:00 p.m. and ask for the yeas and nays. >> jon: hey, everybody is it just me or
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2013 7:30pm PST
goid over to the couch. [laughter] >> look at us with our functional legs as we head over to the couch. look at us ladies. da, da, da da da da. i'm going to do a little jig. not to look a gift horse in the mouth but i'm seriously thinking they just brainstorm waves. [laughter] smell the news. >> jon: my point is this. we're actually going to be rolling out the sponsored segments that it might be time for bring the news look. [laughter] that leads perfectly into tonight's, if you only need this much to filibuster why do they have to get this to filibuster. wow, that was terrible. the perfect entree to -- sponsored by arby's because your hunger is stronger than your memory. in case you're wondering ... so >> jon: you can see we have coming movie. >> everything as changed. >> how has it changed. >> he had another stroke last night. he was good in the race. >> that's good. not for him obviously. [bleep] that's an outstanding development. >> wow honey bear, guess who just announced he's running? can't you see you're in a man cave anymore. he's waiting to get re-elected. >> jon: john goodman
Comedy Central
Nov 5, 2013 11:00pm PST
goodman. john goodman going to be joining us. before we start brief update on a story we were talking about yesterday, toronto mayor rob ford today clarified his earlier denials he had been caught on video smoking crack cocaine clarifying by admitting he had in fact been caught on video tape smoking crack cocaine. >> yes, i was smoking crack cocaine. do i? am i aam i am addict? have i tried it. probably in one of my drunken stupors. a crack user. i'm a social crack user. when i drink i smoke a little crack. obviously today the scandal was disgraceful and the only thing left for him to do. >> i was elected to do a job and that's exactly what i'm going to continue doing. on october 27th, of 2014, i want the people of this city to decide whether they want rob ford to be their mayor. [laughter] >> that's huge. [bleep] your sister. i'm going to stay married to you? [laughter] >> i'm hoping to continue [bleep] >> he decided, didn't he, good. i'm going to run for election. mayor ford, we need camera three. [laughter] you need help. and i don't mean help carrying a case of beer down into the
Comedy Central
Nov 12, 2013 9:00am PST
goodwin will be joining us. let's begin tonight-- ( laughter ) i am the worst segue person in the world. let's begin tonight. let's begin tonight! ( laughter ) i can't figure it out. let's begin tonight with an eye on the media in our new segment meh culpa. one of the most hallowed names in all of journalism is "60 minutes," a show that has for week after week for over 45 minutes brought us 58 minutes of hard-hitting groundbreaking investigation into everything from corporate greed and corrupt governance, and two minutes of musings. >> bought 1,000 honey due melons and only three of them were ripe over the years. ( laughter ) >> jon: i think he'd want to be remembered as somebody who was-- a great writer-- ( cheers and applause ) it's almost as if the audience was trained behaviorably to react to something that we-- ( laughter ) exwaish the man clearly could not pick out good produce. my point is this-- last month, it looked like "60 minutes" had done it again, scoring an exclusive interview with an eyewitness to the terrible events in benghazi. >> one guy saw me. he just shouted.
Comedy Central
Nov 14, 2013 7:30pm PST
william, jason jones, aasif manned very. thank you for joining us. we are very excited about this segment. it's a beautiful segment, a big segment. >> okay, well, first of all that is one weak segment title. (laughter) >> jon: you have a better title. >> yeah, of course i do. >> jon: okay. >> welcome to straight trippers or we cool. >> jon: isn't that title racist. >> oh, yes, definitely, but not if i say it. >> jon: all right, let's go on to our first story if we k we will start this is an easy one if you want, easy one. >> halloween is over but its controversy surrounding a costume is continuing after a boy dressed as a member of the ku klux klan. >> jon: okay, remember we're starting fresh. panel wa, do you think opinions racist. >> i want to say adorable. (laughter) >> that is racist, jon. >> what are you guying talking about. he looks like a pointy ghost. >> what? >> okay, fine, racist but adorable racist. >> all right. we're going move on to the story, slightly more difficult. this is difficult. >> white republican from texas came up with an unorthodox strategy to appeal to a mostly
Comedy Central
Nov 8, 2013 9:00am PST
would nail us for. >> jon: oh, snap! did he use a magic marker to change clifford the big red dog to clifford the big red (bleep). for the record miss ferguson that crushed. sorry what did he do? >> plagiarism. >> he apparently lifted several lines of his speak directly from wikipedia. >> in the movie gatica in the too distant future eugenics is common -- vincent freeman is conceive and born the old fashioned way without the aid of genetic screening. >> jon: i'm going to pretend here that the thing we're supposed to be concerned about is that rand paul is supposed to be warning people -- he's warning the imunt a threat from an ethan hawke movie. they need rookie cops and for one day a year crime is legal and where -- um -- [laughter] days are broken. [ laughter ] and a world -- [laughter] (bleep). where the finest things come from brooklyn and i have no (bleep) idea. i don't know. i never -- how many of these -- all right. a lot of movies i haven't seen yet. as far as plagiarism goes and i'm sure there's a reasonable explanation. >> i think the spoken word shouldn't be held to the sa
Comedy Central
Nov 20, 2013 7:30pm PST
mayor outright. he smoked crack right. >> that's what he told us. >> he talked about eating (bleep) in a press conference. >> i didn't hear it live but it had one of those words bleepped out. >> he definitely said (bleep). >> i think they bleeped it out again. >> were you on crack as well? >> if you look at the motion in its part it invites him to leave that's the good part. it invites him to come back. i couldn't tolerate that. >> so the motion wasn't harsh enough for parker. he did have another way to punish him. >> we would like to ask the integrity commissioner. >> do you have an obvious commissioner like the (bleep) council? >> we didn't think we needed that sort. >> in america we have a ton of experience with this type of thing but toronto is truly incapable of dealing with (bleep). >> we have an election next fall. >> in 2014? >> 2014. >> what is the wrong with the system here? >> people call it democracy. >> it's more like a pussocacracy. who in their right mind are the 20% of torontoans who support him? >> he's doing a great job. >> rob ford is the most fiscally responsible ma
Comedy Central
Nov 19, 2013 1:00am PST
? >> of course there's guantanamo, my pet goat leek, valerie plame leak. bush left us with presidential terds to choose from. >> i see it as the waterboarding. health care.gov is the towel wrapping around our faces and the board is the failed promise of universal health care. >> jon: ah -- well what is the water? >> i don't know, water is water, jon. what am i robert frost. >> obamacare is obama's 2008 financial crisis. it's the perfect 1 to 1. that was bad. this is bad boom done. >> i have to go with the classics i sat the web site is obama's iraq war because when i think glitchy web site the first thing that comes to my mind is decade long wars started under false pretenses. [ laughter ] and we all remember that press conference. [ laughter ] >> jon: actually that -- if i may, al, that never happened. >> yeah, but it could have. >> jon: all right. if we're looking for a comparison isn't obamacare most like bush's medicare part d program. it was a rollout, flawed a large change in our system but wound up being repaired around working well. >> that say stupid comparison, jon. medicare p
Comedy Central
Nov 5, 2013 9:00am PST
. mayor while you are still able to speak -- [laughter] can you tell us what were you thinking? >> i made mistakes. what am i thinking? >> jon: i find in situations like this it's best to begin with crack smoking but of course i do not. >> i shouldn't have got hammer. if you are going to have a couple drinks you stay at home. but then that's it you don't make a public spectacle of yourself. [ laughter ] >> jon: one, i would very much like to know what happened down there and two, you realize, from now on i'm just going to (bleep) at home. may not be the answer to either your substance abuse problems or your job as the guy who runs toronto. [ laughter ] if you guys need me i'll be in the basement. [ laughter ] getting all drunk and (bleep) and sucking (bleep). [ laughter ] must be nice to look at a city so problem free that can be run for years by a hard drinking crack mayor. new york doesn't work that way, the city never sleeps. the big apple. [cheers and applause] boom! [cheers and applause] the city so nice they named it twice like sirhan sirhan. bad example. [ laughter ] as you kn
Comedy Central
Nov 20, 2013 11:00pm PST
, myself. i love thin crust. i could get hate mail. i used to ship it froze ton california. >> i'm not a deep dish fan. >> jon: get to the traffic and weather already! [laughter] i'm late and i need to know if i need to wear a coat. [ laughter ] anyway, some people thought that my contribution to the pizza dialog was not particularly well reasoned. >> jon stewart went on a rant. >> stewart fired off a tirade, it continued like that for a while in the cheesesy new york accent. >> jon: cheesy new york accent who the (bleep) do you think you are talking about a cheesy new york accent you son -- you forget -- wait a minute, you know? i hear it now. you are right. it is somewhat pronounced. if i was ranting -- well, i don't know what to say it was nothing compared to what people on twitter were ranting back. like (bleep) you isn't l- jon stewart for saying deep dish pizza isn't pizza, die. [ laughter ] that particularly twitter user did not special phi the method by which i should die but i only assume it would be poisoning by deep dish pizza. [ laughter ] whenever there's a spirited ba
Comedy Central
Nov 19, 2013 11:00pm PST
. tonight's guest: the ledgend himself dr. bills cosby joins us a little bit later. a good man. [cheers and applause] breaking news out of -- yeah that's right -- canada. >> just into the news desk, the crack-smoking mayor of toronto has just done it again. [ laughter ] >> jon: which brings us to our brand new segment "this just in the crack-smoking mayor of toronto has just done it again." [laughter] [laughter] so apparently -- the crack-smoking mayor of toronto has done it again. [ laughter ] here is the sentence i'm assuming does not follow that sentence: saves the day. >> the hours long city council meeting deteriorating into a spectacle. mayor rob ford at one point started mocking a council member suspect of driving drunk. >> mayor, stop disrupting. >> amid the chaos he nearly knocked a councilwoman to the ground as he ran across the room. [laughter] [cheers and applause] >> jon: poor woman. you know she got into politics thinking this may be a dirty unrewarding business but at least i'll never have to worry about going to work and being trampled by a crackhead. [ laughter
Comedy Central
Nov 28, 2013 1:00am PST
is almost here. let us face these shoppers with the bravery of those mall security officers before us. [cell phone rings] commander marsh. they're what? they're going to what? - tom, we have breaking news from the south park mall. in an effort to make sure everyone is prepared, the mall has decided to push black friday by one week. - aw! - what? - the genius idea was proposed by george r.r. martin who also suggested: "[bleep] it! let's push thanksgiving to december 3rd." for pushing the date, the mall is now reducing black friday prices to 96% off to the first hundred people inside the mall. [shoppers growling, shouting] this is going to be a [bleep] blood bath, tom! there will be medical tents, ambulances, face painting. no doubt a lot of people you know and love are going to die. - ♪ weiner party, party party - ♪ soft wieners-- from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have an excellent excellent progr
Comedy Central
Nov 27, 2013 1:00am PST
applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. thank you for joining us. our guests tonight shall we're excited about this from the hill aruous television program key and peele, we have keele and pee on the show tonight. chors plaus. >> jon: lucky was farsd, man, those dudes are funny. if you are anything like me, you can't digest milkment but also-- (laughter) you watch a lot of television news. and if you do you might have noticed the question that is increasingly on the med why's mind. >> was this racist? an alabama sorority accused of rejecting a candidate because she's black. >> to smear an entire segment of the population, are they racist? >> race, is race an issue here? >> was race a factor? >> are you racist? >> am i a racist? (laughter) >> jon: never ask a question you don't know the answer to. (laughter) the media they are just askinging they don't know. everything is happening, they are just passengers on this crazy bus called news. (laughter) >> fear not, for tonight we settle the investigationing questions with our brand-new segment, racist or not
Comedy Central
Nov 4, 2013 7:30pm PST
cos tello , the rebel. watch as she lets us know that the rabbit hole ooze an exit. >> obamacare the final showdown. the is u.s. supreme court could strike it down today or rule it uns constitutional. -- unconstitutional s. that good or bad? it all depends. the nfl strikes a deal with thousands of players. good thing? bad thing? some in the mid snl. >> jon: what is this middle you speak of and where be it? be the middle beyond the realm of the craiken ring supreme? or perhaps is a land down below where bilbo bagins scribbles in his redbook and all the elfs be surprisingingly (bleep). [ laughter ] am i alone on that? i thought the elfs were unbelievable attractive. you have the ork, nah, the hobbits there and then the elfs. who be this pointy eared apparition. to be fair cnn is not the only network if they've asked if it's gay thing or bad thing. other things do it as well. when fox asks they know the answer. >> they say that 100 million people looked up john 3:16 during the football game. is that a good thing? i think it's a fabulous thing. >> making student loans more affordable
Comedy Central
Nov 22, 2013 7:30pm PST
wrongful detainment. >> he was racially profiled. >> he used her tax rebate money to buy this bag at barneys and stopped by the cops. >> it is hard to take advantage of all the black friday steals when you are being accused of stealing. >> when i left the store three blocks away from the store four undercover cops told me they would like to see what i purchased. >> what did your white friend say? >> my white friend? >> everyone knows bring a white friend when you shop at a place like thank i should have. next time i know. >> so the problem isn't racially profiling in stores it's that black people had forgotten how to shop. >> i thought they would help me and they didn't. they asked know leave. >> just because you look look a gap model, doesn't mean you won't be profiled. >> i went to a store and i asked to see jeans and she said they are so expensive. >> you thought because you were well put together you could shop anywhere you want. you do know you are black, right? >> i know. >> watch out cops. cops. >> clearly it's time to give black americans my own black friday shopping tips. st
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 71 (some duplicates have been removed)